I’ve been in a weird mood these past few days. I have so much anger and hurt built up inside and I’ve been such a bitch because of it. I feel the need to cry but I wont allow myself to, I don’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of making me upset. Its been that way for a while now. Every time I even have the thought to cry I just get angry because I don’t want to get to a low point in my life again. All I use to do was cry and I’m sick of it. Getting off medication was a huge step for me and I can’t go back to feeling those feelings again. In reality, life isn’t all that bad. Yeah it fucking sucks sometimes. Yeah, it could defiantly be better on so many levels but really it all comes down to you. I’m not motivated to do shit, I literally feel like I CANT push myself.. its almost like being paralyzed. I just don’t have the will power in me, and I don’t understand why. I don’t think anyone will ever understand me as a person, especially because I don’t even understand. I understand the logical things. I technically can do and be whatever I want to be, but emotionally and mentally I can’t handle it. Its not a choice, as most would think. Its a way of life for a lot of people. Its a struggle a lot of people have to deal with and I’ve noticed that a lot on here. And if you’re strong enough to pull yourself through and motivate yourself to living the life that you deserve than I envy you because its so fucking hard. Maybe that’s just me. But seeing these girls that were once “overweight” and now are skinny is just one thing that I wish I could push myself to do. I just don’t even have the energy to get out of bed anymore. Becoming vegetarian, or attempting it is hopefully my first step to becoming motivated as well. I’m mostly doing this because I need to eat healthier, I also love animals and hate what they have to go through in order for us to eat, but.. If I can pull through with this and I can prove to myself that I CAN do something, anything it might motivate me to do more. Idk. I feel like I could write for hours about things, and I might do it considering none of you even read it anyway so it doesn’t matter what I write lawl. So along with trying to be a vegetarian, Im going to start my own garden of all fruits and vegetables. This way I can eat organically, and in the long run id be saving a lot of money since I’ve heard this life style isn’t cheap and I have no money at the moment. Not to mention I love gardening, not really sure why. I think it would be awesome to open up a produce shop with a smoothie bar.. I feel like a loser saying that but thats pretty much what i’d like to do with my life. Whateveeess. On another note, I’ve moved back from South Carolina like.. over a month ago and my trunk is still full of bags of clothes. I think I brought one inside since I’ve gotten back and I just ended up buying new clothes. My dresser and closets still completely empty. I’ve just been keeping my clothes in laundry baskets. That’s how non motivated/lazy I am. lol Plus I just kinda don’t even want to do it because its gonna remind me of things I’ve been desperately trying to forget. Ugh. Ahaha my dog just fell off my bed. Ok. Im sure i’ll be writing more in a little but I feel like shit now so byes.